Corn is cool, I guess

I'm eating corn. Looking at my christmas tree. In the semi-dark. Alone. Ahh the holidays.

My day.

Julie Andrews= Goddess?

This is what I do with my spare time. I look up pictures of Julie Andrews.

Yup.

I think I'm gonna go eat some cyanide...

Or listen to the Sound of Music record I took from my parents' collection. Not Mary Poppins. I can't deal tonight.

Oh, Julie Andrews. You have bewitched me. Verily.

Wow. WOW.

This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. If I didn't wake up tomorrow, I would be ok with it, now that I know that this has been created and exists in the world.


I'm speechless. It's just wonderful.


I didn't know albinos had such matronly hips. And that they often wear acid wash mom jeans to bowl in. And that supernovas occur behind them as soon as they release the ball. I've learned so much today.

Kate's Kat Pharm

This is me. Forever. Start buying cats for me. Thanks. I'm not bitter.

I thought this was such a safe neighborhood

Someone stole our bowl of Halloween candy right off our porch last night. They took the bowl and everything. If you have any leads, let me know. I really wanted to have the leftover candy today. But now I have to go to RiteAid and buy clearance candy like a common bum. Damn you, trick or treaters! Damn you!

On a side note, my sister and I watched Blank Check last night. And it was actually funny. Because the kid was so depressed. Almost like a real human. It's funny when kids try to act like humans. It's NOT funny when they steal my candy.

Gotta Pocketful of JENS... yeah, I said it...

So, yeah, I've refallen in love with Jens Lekman. My friend and I went to his show in Boston last night. And it was amazing. Hands down the best show I've ever been to. And I've seen Elton John. And Sting. So, yeah. I'm a pretty big deal. So anywayz, go get Night Falls Over Kortedala. Or borrow it from me. Or, better yet, go see him live. He's FUCKING amazing. And he's the sweetest little man ever. I wanna make him a nest in the corner of my room and keep him as a pet he's so cute. ...Did that sound creepy to anyone else?

Oh but you know who i wanna keep in a Mason jar in my basement? Daniel Bruhl. He's the suave man you see below. The one who looks like he's in a whiskey ad. Yeah, him. Just look at him for a bit. As the Dutch would say, "Ik wil een kroket, graag." Don't we all want a meat ragout encased in a crispy fried crust? Don't we all?


I have to pay rent.


And get a life.






Stop looking at me like that, Daniel.

Halloween is FUCKING CANCELLED.

I know it's still a week to Halloween, but it's never too early to ruin a holiday for everyone else. I suggest giving children toothbrushes. Old toothbrushes. The abandoned toothbrushes that are at the back of the closet you keep around in case you have company... Oh, you don't give your guests old, dirty toothbrushes to use? Well, I'm dreadfully sorry, M'LADY, but some of us have BILLS to pay.

It's not even 8:30pm, yet I am seriously considering cocooning my person in duvets, thus provoking the slumber process. Watching entire seasons of Arrested Development all day really wears a man out. "If you don't play, we don't validate." Bowwwwww...

So I hate Halloween this year because I don't have a costume. I had a few idearrrs, but they all fell flat. Like my spirit. And the orange soda in the machines at work. Why did it have to be the Crush, dammit?! Why couldn't it have been the Dr. Pepper? No one likes Dr. Pepper. Whoever "likes" Dr. Pepper is probably a serial killer. And we all know that serial killers have no tastebuds. And they have tails. And they have really good nightvision. ........ I think I'm thinking of cats. Maybe but that's not the point. The point is, I want to be Cleopatra but I don't have bangs. And I can't get bangs because I signed a legally-binding contract, and breaking it would mean certain death. Or I'd just have to leave that Facebook group.

I want ice cream really bad.

That was a good first post. I'm really liking where this is going. I think we have a future together. *Next day* Listen, it's not you, it's me. I just need my space right now, you know? I've got my whole life ahead of me. I'm just not sure if I want to commit myself to anything. Or anyone. *Day after* YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME, DAMMIT! I NEED MY FUCKING SPACE! *One week later* (Phone message) So, I've been thinking about you a lot, and... I really want you back. I know you've gotten my other messages. And I know you've gotten the messages I left at your mom's. Why won't you talk to me? Dammit, we had a good thing! I'm outside your place and there's a light on. Is there someone else there with you? Pick up the phone. PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE!

End scene.